Foundations: Polytics with Minxy
𝓱𝓮𝔂 𝔂𝓪𝓵𝓵!
I almost titled this "Starting Off Single", but then I realized that it doesn’t really matter if you're single or not, I feel like a lot of the things I'm saying will apply to any and everyone.
Today, I wanted to talk about some of the foundational work I feel that people should think about and do as they figure out if non-monogamy is the relationship style for them. Actually, I feel that people should do these things even if they are monogamous, to pinpoint exactly what they want to include in the different types of relationships that everyone has (romantic, sexual, platonic, business, familial, etc).
I get a lot of questions about what to do when you're first starting out as polyamorous or non-monogamous, especially if you are starting off single - and by that I mean you're not in a current relationship or opening up a long-term monogamous relationship. There are so many resources out there about things to do when you're first opening up, how to deal with jealousy, what are the best practices, what’s some self work that you need to do, different communication styles, and the like. And those resources are great! Use them!
But what I come across most from newbies to polyamory is that they don't know what they want. Sometimes they think they do, but when asked what these things are, they have an issue with articulating in detail what they want out of relationships - and it's very hard to have a relationship with somebody who doesn’t know what they want because they didn't take the time to think about it in depth. They didn't take the time to uncouple all the different aspects of relationships and match up what they wanted in general from everyone, what they wanted that anyone could give them, and what they wanted from specific people. Without doing that self work and exploration, your overall relationship expectations aren't fully formed, and you may even feel like what the other person is offering isn’t a Real Relationship™.
So what are some steps to discovering what you want in relationships? I think that some of this will be trial and error. And, of course, as with all things, you have the license, the right, to change your mind. You can become aware of some shit that you didn't know before, or have to face some past trauma, or have to - as you experience brand new things - reinforce some boundaries or create new ones. We are always growing; we're always learning. Yet there are some steps you can take to get a general sense of where you are now, what you want now, and be able to communicate that adequately.
So, let's get started. I think the first thing you should do is ask yourself, why do you want to practice polyamory? What are you looking to get out of it? What do YOU want? Not your partner, but YOU - and be honest, this ain't shit that somebody else has to see. This is for you, and you only. Don’t try to hide what you want. Be honest with yourself.
For example: Is it more sex? And if that is what it is, that is okay. There are many types of consensual non-monogamy, and they're valid. So, yeah, if it's more sex, narrow it down and be specific: do you just want more sex, or do you want intimate relationships as well? Do you also want group sex? Is it because you want casual sex, but with a friendship or a partnership, that's not as entangled as we were taught that relationships had to be? Is it more autonomy, even if you decide you only want one romantic or sexual partner? Is it to give yourself options, or give your partner options to do certain things with other people because y'all are not compatible in certain ways? Seriously, be hella honest with yourself.
After you have what you feel like are all the reasons you want to pursue non-monogamy or monogamy, make a list. Okay, now with that list, put them in three different categories:
Must haves: things that you want from all partners/types of relationships. You need this from everyone who engages you on a certain level or depth of connection
Could haves: you don't need this in every person, but would prefer or would need to have it in at least one significant person in your life
Would be nice: things that you really, really, really want but realize that if you didn't have it, you would still be satisfied and content with life
I like this because it really puts in perspective what's important to you. These lists should include physical stuff, practical stuff, sexual stuff, sensual stuff, whatever! Put as many things on each category as you can.
I’ll use myself as an example. One of my “must haves” is physical touch, and that’s with everyone: sexual, emotional, sensual, platonic, and queer platonic partners; cuddling, wrestling, hugging, holding hands, all that. I can connect with someone who doesn’t likes touch, but it’s so important to me that I rarely feel deeply connected to folks who do not enjoy physical touch. One of my “could haves” is a power exchange dynamic. It is a need for me, but I don't need it with every partner as long as I have it with one. A “would be nice” is to live in a self sustaining commune-type situation on a lot of land, that has a shared kitchen and living area, with single homes spread out for each person to have their own specific space - and if they want to go over to the common areas, they can, but if they don't, that’s okay. I don’t need this thing, I’m perfectly happy with this never occurring, but it would be nice to be in connection with folks who also want this so it could come into fruition one day.
So my next suggested step has to do with this great graphic, the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord. Maxx Hill created this version (version 5).
This graphic outlines the different types of ways that relationships are coupled together in our society. It's a tool for discussion to organize the things that you want to do or not do with someone. A lot of these categories are things we think monogamous relationships must have, but if you take a closer look you might realize that you already do a lot of these things with folks who aren't your romantic partner, even if you are monogamous.
The reason I suggest listing all that you can think of that you want first, instead of using this tool first, is because you may think of something that's not on the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord. Plus, I really feel that although some folks try to be unbiased, if you see something first, you're going to tend to lean towards that - instead of coming up out of your own mind, your own imagination. So the first exercise is to for you to do some self reflection and have the self-awareness to be open and honest with yourself about what it is that you want without outside influence (like this tool, or your partner).
Each category in the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord is a loose generalization to help you think about all the things that can be a part of a relationship. Start putting some of these items in the three separate categories. Remember, you might look at one thing and say “No, I don't want that at all,” and throw it all the way out. You do not have to put something from here in every single category!
And with that, you have an outline of what you generally want and need from your relationships, relationship style, and each relationship type. Now you can use this list to use as a starting point for relationship conversations! You could confidently go to somebody and say “These are my deal breakers; if you don't have these or aren't willing to compromise in some ways on these, then we can’t have a certain type of relationship. These are things that are up for grabs; we can do this with each other, if it turns out that we're compatible in that way. And this is something that I think is really, really, really cool. And if you're into it, great. But if you're not, it doesn't matter at all.”
Only you can determine what the importance of the things on the list. Knowing your bandwidth is very important while assessing all of this. Why? Well, the “must haves” are pretty much your deal breakers (or if they aren’t dealbreakers, there has to be A LOT of negotiating and compromising). But your “could haves,” now that’s where it becomes a balancing act - because although you don't need this in every partner, these are still things that you want/need in at least one partner. So, let's say that you want kids with a partner. You already have two partners who don't want kids, and your bandwidth is three people. If you are adamant about having kids with a partner specifically to co-parent with you, you might want to put more of your focus into cultivating relationships with folks who also want this - and to not entertain folks who do not want children. What I did with my list is write a manifesto, which is basically a “Care & Feeding Manual for Minxy.” I generally send it to folks that I don't know well that I've just started dating or who have expressed interest in me as a pre-read for a longer conversation.
So, to recap:
Ask yourself Why do you want to be non-monogamous? Why do you want to be monogamous? What are you looking to get out of your preferred type of relationship style? What do you really want from relationships, from each type of relationship you have or can think of having?
List everything that you can think of that you would want in a relationship. Be specific and be honest.
Sort each thing into a category: “must haves,” “could haves,” and “would be nice.”
As a bonus, further break this down into relationship types - that is, make a separate list, or note which things are for romantic relationships, platonic relationships, deep friendships, familial/in-laws, acquaintances, sexual only connections, kink connections, whatever you can think of!
Look at the relationship anarchy smorgasbord, and then start putting those things into the “must haves,” “could haves,” and “would be nice” columns.
If you care to, make this into a living document that you can add to and change over time, to be used as a starting point in relationship conversations and negotiations.
My suggested next step is going to be covered in the next post: cultivating relationships and connections, not configurations. I know it is tempting to state exactly how you want your relationships to be ordered, the specific type of configuration you want to have, how it will be structured: “ I'm gonna live with this many partners, and then we're gonna do this, and this, and the kids are gonna be…” And that’s okay to want these things! But I would put that on the “could haves” or “would be nice” list, and not the “must haves” (which is where a lot of folks initially put these things). Because the thing is, you cannot totally plan this out. You should really think about the types of relationships that you want to have, not the types of configurations that you want to have. Because whoever you engage with, they are people. If you're just trying to fit them into a slot instead of engaging and connecting with them on a deeper level, you're gonna have a lot of hurt.
So next time I’ll touch on the different types of connections that you can have, how to determine what type of connection you already have with someone, and ways to foster those connections. And, as always,stay foxy y’all.
Minxy (she/her)
The Haux Hive’s resident non-monogamy educator, also known as DeeRae, is a digital storyteller, content creator, event organizer, Black culture devotee, and the founder of Sunny Dee Productions, LLC - which produces educational and networking events, intimate parties, and live media (such as Sunny Dee, a relationship podcast centered on non-monogamy).
Find/follow her here:
sunnydeepod.com
All links: https://linktr.ee/lilwildminx
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