Polyam & Kinky: Polytics with Minxy
𝓱𝓮𝔂 𝔂𝓪𝓵𝓵!
Minxy here, with the first installment in The Hive’s Polytics series. In honor of our first kink education event of the year, SAFE WORD, I thought we’d kick things off with a kink-specific theme, especially as many people come into non-monogamy through kink.
I, however, came into kink through non-monogamy. Shortly after my 22nd birthday, I decided I was going to live for myself AND my pleasure, and part of that was acknowledging that I was not monogamous and also very much a sexual being - a haux, if you will. The first person I was (casually) intimate with after this personal new year resolution asked me if I was on FetLife - a site I had never even heard of at that point. As our relationship progressed, he introduced me to kink, but I didn’t join FetLife until months later: I was at a swinger party that had a dungeon on one level, where I met the only other Black folks at the party. I was deeply impacted by their scenes, and they encouraged me to join FetLife…and the rest is history.
I have since come to realize that my story tends to be the opposite of many. What I hear most frequently is folks come into kink, curious: possibly wanting to explore activities that their current partner is not interested in, or single and wanting to discover more things about themselves. Regardless of how you come into kink or non-monogamy, you will soon begin to notice the overlap between the two. One reason may be that, as with many things, finding someone who is into the same things as you and also is compatible with you can be difficult, so many in the kink community explore different types of play and dynamics with different people. Due to the intimate and sensual nature of a lot of kink, they begin to forge relationships with multiple people simultaneously that look and feel disparate from their idea of friendships or casual relationships, until bam! they are introduced fully to the concept of non-monogamy. Conversely, those curious about non-monogamy may also be exploring all aspects of their sexuality, opening them up to the world of kink.
Some find it very easy to merge kink and non-monogamy, while others do not. The difficulty could be chalked up to interpersonal dynamics, as one of the things that many find the hardest to reconcile is non-monogamy vs power exchange dynamics. RileyA (in Polyamory Today) put it well: “Although kink is not necessarily sexual for everyone….engaging in intimacy outside of an otherwise monogamous relationship would require explicit consent. Being kinky doesn’t intrinsically change anything about non-monogamy, or even more specifically, polyamory. It can just be a bedroom thing and therefore just comes under the “sex and privacy/comfort” discussions you’ll see everywhere. But for some of us, the exchange of power we employ inside of the bedroom is something we expand to our wider relationship with a negotiated transfer of authority.”
When you have multiple partners - sexual, romantic, sensual, kink - how do you choose with whom to do what? Who has the ultimate “authority”? What are ways to handle conflicting opinions about other relationships or foster transparency without undermining your dynamic? How do you honor everyone’s feelings and mitigate any issues - logistical or emotional - that may arise? Do both sides of the slash get full say-so and autonomy? Well, I’ve seen folks handle this in a few ways:
Hierarchy
This may look like having a primary relationship that “trumps” all other relationships. That is: decisions, protocols, and rules created in this dynamic can shape and affect all other relationships. It can include things like handling all your chores/duties before being free to go on a date; wearing specific clothing or accessories chosen by your D-type on dates; being limited to certain activities or, conversely, not being allowed to do certain activities with others.
Another variation of hierarchical kink/non-monogamy may be a house where there is an established hierarchy set out for each member of said house, and protocols to follow based on who is interacting with who and how.
Parallel
All relationships are separate, and you do not take one relationship’s protocols, rules, or dynamics into any of the others. Basically, none of your partners have any say in areas that will affect your dynamic with another partner. This can look like all protocols you’ve established being followed unless you are on a date with another partner, or protocols being enacted only during set (agreed upon) times and instances.
Hybrid
As you can imagine, a hybrid is the blending of the two previously mentioned styles. This happens to be the method that I employ! I am a switch who has a 24/7, Total Power Exchange (TPE) relationship with one partner where I am the s-type. I also participate in specific kink activities with my other partners as a switch, although I do lean one way or the other depending on the partner. I’m aromantic and a relationship anarchist, so as you may imagine, I don’t do well with hierarchy. Yet I recognize the inherent descriptive hierarchy that having a TPE relationship brings: by its very nature, my D/s dynamic with Daddy could have a greater ability to impact my other relationships. However, I and I alone make the decision to end or change the dynamic of any of my relationship; Daddy doesn’t have any say in my dynamics with or control over my actions when I’m with other partners - except for very specific instances/things, which I communicate to my other partners at the onset. (I have my own manifesto that outlines a bit of how I like my relationships to be ordered.)
At the end of the day, you have to figure out what method(s) works best for you, as each individual relationship dynamic - and group dynamic! - can be vastly different. But there are plenty of people out here actively living this, proving that it is indeed possible. Kinky folk have been some of the most open to share, informative people I have met, meeting good faith questions and curiosity with care and education. Consider asking a trusted member of your community for their thoughts and advice for your specific situation if you find yourself struggling with mapping out how non-monogamy and kink might work for you.
And, as always, stay foxy y’all.
Minxy (she/her), also known as DeeRae, is a country girl living in the city world.
Hailing from the magical land of Louisiana, the DMV has been her home for over 15 years. She's been in non-monogamous relationships since she started dating, and intentionally non-monogamous for 13 years. She currently identifies as a relationship anarchist.
She's a digital storyteller, content creator, event organizer, Black culture devotee, and the founder of Sunny Dee Productions, LLC - which produces educational and networking events, intimate parties, and live media (such as Sunny Dee, a relationship podcast centered on non-monogamy). The mission of Sunny Dee Productions is to facilitate connecting Black people with their culture and heritage, to create safe spaces for Black folks to fully explore themselves and their interests, and to cultivate community - all things she feels necessary in processing our collective hurt, helping each other heal, and moving towards our full liberation. Dee is an unabashed nerd, a womanist, and a proud alum of Howard University.
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