Hey y’all! It’s Jennifer Eden aka @slutofthemonth aka #femmedaddy aka the P.O.E.T. who puts Pleasure Over Every Thing. I was scrolling through IG one day and came across a post from BlakSyn, a Philly-based kink educator and pro dom whose platforms I’ve learned quite a bit from. It was so good I wanted to share it with you! We at The Haux Hive want folks to come to our events prepared and informed, so with their permission, I’m sharing BlakSyn’s list of do’s and don’t’s. You can find the original post, and plenty more, on Instagram @kinkyblackeducator. Enjoy!
***
Considering attending a BDSM play party? Awesome! I’m proud of your adventurous self! That excitement you feel commingled with nervousness is natural! Whether it’s a private residence, a local public dungeon, or a large convention, there are important things to consider in terms of do’s, don’ts, and general etiquette. I’ll offer a few tips too! (Note that these are GENERAL guidelines and that rules vary from space to space. Talking to Dungeon Monitors and reading house rules are ultimately the way to go.)
Ready? Here we go…
•DO take the tour if the space is offering one. It’s the easiest way to locate bathrooms, aftercare/quiet spaces, and get a general lay of the land. Or arrive early enough to do a self-guided tour and familiarize yourself with the space before things get started.
•DO understand you are not obligated to play. BDSM communities tend to be more social than anything else and conversing with party goers is always a good idea! I encourage you to invite a friend for support and to mitigate any awkwardness/nervousness you may feel.
TIP - Be sure to bring your ID. Most BDSM spaces have age restrictions and also require you to sign a waiver upon entry.
•DO get express consent rooted in specificity before touching anyone with anything. Don’t be afraid to say no to any offers.
•DO bring your own toys and supplies. Toys can be unique, high quality, hard to find and expensive which is why folks will be VERY reluctant to let you borrow their toys. Furthermore, bring supplies like snacks for between scenes, a water bottle, an aftercare kit, contraceptives, and a face towel for sweat.
TIP - A lot of BDSM spaces will provide chux, gloves, disinfectant, and contraceptives. If you have any allergies (i.e. rubber or latex) or sensitivities, you may still want to bring your own.
•DO wipe equipment down after you’ve used it by utilizing disinfectant supplied by the play space. Also, use chux for sex if it’s allowed and cover any place bare asses or genitals will touch.
•DO come sober and if alcohol is available at the event, DO NOT GET WASTED. Yes, I know you’re nervous, but alcohol and other drugs lower inhibitions and alter your ability to judge what you are mentally, emotionally, and physically feeling which increases risk. Inform any playmates about any mood altering substances you’re under the influence of.
And now for the don’ts…
•DON’T take photos or video. All spaces have a photo policy which is usually NONE CAN BE TAKEN with the exception of hired staff. Many folks aren’t “out” and photos/video can destroy lives. .
TIP - Many BDSM spaces have signs plastered all over for etiquette, consent, and safety reasons. Read them.
•DON’T make assumptions about what is allowed. Acts like Edge Play, Breath Play and sexual intercourse are NOT allowed in some spaces. Rules vary from event to event. Refer to the House Rules and/or consult a Dungeon Monitor or event staff.
•DON’T interrupt or walk through to someone’s scene. BDSM is an intimate experience and disrupting the “flow” or “space” people are enjoying can be detrimental to a scene. Watch from a distance and try not to gawk, speak too loudly, or express outright disgust if you don’t like what you see. Some kinks won’t be YOUR kinks.
TIP - If you have a question about something you see in a scene, wait until they are done and have handled aftercare, or ask someone else. (This tip was added in a comment by @ms.fern_g.)
•DON’T hog equipment. Give others a turn.
TIP - There’s always at least one piece of equipment that is used the very least. Keep an eye out, be imaginative, and get your turn to play faster.
•DON’T immediately “pick-up play” with someone you just met. Negotiate properly and ask the friend you brought with you or a Dungeon Monitor to keep an eye on your scene.
TIP - Tell the DM or event staff you’re new and ask about the person you’re about to play with.
***
A note from the editor: A play party can be a wonderful opportunity to step outside you comfort zone, but that doesn’t mean you have to be uncomfortable. Most play spaces don’t have explicit dress codes, which means you are free to wear whatever makes you feel like your best haux self. That also means you don’t have to get naked. Also, many play spaces have a pretty open floor plan, which can be intimidating to folks who are used to playing behind closed doors. Consider bringing a large blanket if privacy is a concern of yours. Or scope out some of the more secluded corners of the space beforehand so you’ll already know where you’ll feel most comfortable when playtime comes around. I also suggest contacting the organizers beforehand to ask any specific questions you may have. If you want to know more about what happens at a #tastetouchfeel event, email us at thehauxhive@gmail.com or leave your questions in the comments below.
(This post contains original content from BlakSyn [@kinkyblackeducator] with edits and additions from Jennifer Eden [@slutofthemonth].)