Poly & Partnered, Part: I: The Journey Unfolds
A winding tale by DZL MC
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Because you can have your cake, and eat it too!
As I began brainstorming on this topic, I decided I would have to expand this post into a series. There is so much to be said on this matter, and I believe it will be of more benefit to not just share my own experience, but to also include angles from other couples who are in this venture. So, here is the tip of the iceberg…
...I prefer the term polyglamourous!
My partner and I have been loving on each other eight glorious years, and this won’t be the last you hear of it. It’s absolutely amazing to have the opportunity to grow up with my true love. We’ve been many levels of relationships: secret crushes, unethical lovers, best friends, bros, hauxs, partners, exes, cordial roommates, partners again, and did I mention hauxs? We even had a stint of monogamy (it didn't last very long). Now, we’re engaged (YAY!), and I couldn’t be more blessed to spend this adventurous life with such a wonderful being.
It was always an open relationship (remember the part about being unethical lovers?). After my very unpleasant previous relationship, I needed to be me guilt free! I was clear that the only way my love and I could officially date was to keep things open. I figured this way, we could both remain our authentic selves: hauxs at heart. Now, keep in mind we were in our early 20s, navigating what it meant to be open, having no road map or proper guidance in the matter. So, you can only imagine the fun and fuckery that ensued.
Us kids, circa 2012
Recently, I have been bombarded with questions of how I could allow my partner to see other people, and my answer is this: I don’t own her, and I would rather know what she is doing and with whom, as opposed to getting hurt or cheated on. What’s the point of having such a magical person, and not sharing that magic with others? Call me generous! Don’t be fooled though, this level of glamour takes WORK hunty, not just for the relationship, but for the core of one’s self.
I’ve also heard many statements from folks like:
“So you mean I can’t haux freely?”
“I have to tell my partner who I’m interested in?”
“I can only haux on the low, I’m a very private person!”
“Isn’t this my business anyway?”
If the above is a narrative you cling to, the first relationship you should be in is wit’ yo’ damn SELF! Hauxing comes at a cost, and in this case, I mean emotional. Pursuing a polyglamourous lifestyle, whether you’re single or partnered, does not entail doing whatever the fuck you please...or, it can...if you wanna constantly be knee deep in some shit. Toxic monogamy culture has it that cheating is somehow more socially acceptable than polyamory. In my opinion, keeping one’s partner in the dark, and risking pain for pleasure, has tarnished the trueness of love and loyalty.
There are many double standards at work in relationships, regardless of sexual orientation, gender presentation, etc. Some people believe they can freely haux, but if their partner were to do the same, it would create chaos. I will never understand this logic, but it’s absolutely your choice, and your life. I find this way of thinking stems from not being willing to face your own deep-seated emotions (this is where that core self work comes in). Moreover, I have discovered a common theme: jealousy is the emotion that takes up the most space. As we know, though, jealousy is not just one emotion, but a compilation of many. To say it plainly, jealous feelings will arise, even if you’re poly (read that again). Yes, it’s natural, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the world.
Contrary to popular belief, jealousy, like any other emotion, is something that can be worked through. It is merely the smoke masking the fire of core beliefs we still hold about ourselves, such as: fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, not feeling worthy enough, and a plethora of other insecurities. It is nobody’s responsibility but yours to work through these--especially if you desire a sustainable relationship.
I’ll be honest, my partner and I have both harbored jealous feelings at some point in time. We found that these feelings stemmed from our own respective fears of rejection and abandonment. It was difficult to be honest with ourselves and each other about this, but but we knew we had to dig deep if we wanted our relationship to mature with us. It was a slow and steady process, one involving deep…….long….....talks, ugly projections, accusations, emotional regurgitation of childhood trauma, and learning from that good ole trial and error.
Ultimately, this was all for the best, as we came to some startling revelations on the other side of our emotional reactions. To honor ourselves and each other is to honor the true nature in each of us, and not to hinder each other because of our own fears. Anyone can evolve to being polyglamourous, if you’re simply willing to put in the work it requires to become your strongest self.
Growed up & glowed up, circa 2017
I’ll save the rest for “Poly & Partnered, Pt. II”--I could go on forever baby! I’ll be touching on this subject once a month, so stay tuned for what’s to cum!
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DZL MC is a queer Afro-Boricua artist, writer, bruja, and melodic kitten hailing from Western Massachusetts, now residing in Baltimore. She is co-founder of blkottonkandy, an initiative for keeping healing of the mind, body, and spirit accessible to all through artistic expression. She is formerly of Eat The Cake Band, having since struck out on her own to craft her sound and essence. Throughout her life, she has gained much wisdom and emotional intelligence via relationships with others, which have all become inspiration for her spiritual journey. Find her on Instagram at @idreamofdzl.